i am the most important

for the past few weeks there’s a quote that’s been fxcking around in my head – making itself known every chance it gets. it goes a little something like this:

i know how I love you and how much I love you, but I cannot sacrifice my inner freedom for you; it means sacrificing my self, and I am the most important thing in the world, as I have already told you.
-che guevara

and it’s not there because i just read it a few weeks ago. the truth is i ready it years ago. it’s in my head because i keep running into folks who can’t seem to grasp this. let’s do a quick case study using GIRL 1:

Girl 1 can’t seem to wrap it around her mind that i will not make her a priority in my life, whether i’m a priority in her life or not. i did no ask – nor will i ask to become a priority in her life – and i let her know in the very beginning that she will not be one in mine. and it’s definitely not because i’m an asshole – or just some random jerk. it’s simply because it is not in my nature. i am an aquarius male & an ENFP (look it up).

and i’m not saying this is how things will always be – truthfully, i hope not. but this is how shxt is right now.

—–

a quick note about a man’s diet and the girl who wants to catch and possibly swallow:

i was on the red line train headed to hollywood and vine – and i overheard two loud, hood chicas discussing what i thought was taboo in public forums. but apparently not.

girl one: so i let him do it, and it tasted like salt and butter.

girl two: ewww. he needs to get that together.

fellas: we gotta do better with our diets if she want to be talked about in a good light.
and i can’t speak for everyone, but i do the things i do because i want to be talked about to her friends and family and even the chicks she want to make jealous. so those things include:

EATING THE RIGHT THINGS TO MAKE SURE MY SEMEN IS DESIRABLE BY ALL WHO SEEK TO DISCOVER.

pork, salts, asparagus and things of those sorts have been moved to the side. and i don’t have a high acidic intake. too much acid in the diet can leave burns in the vagina and cheek after you ‘shoot’ in there. TRUE STORY.

—–

so to close:

‘if every [dude] in your clique is rich – your clique is rugged.
nobody would fall ’cause everyone would be each others’ crutches’
– jay-z

a serious matter

president obama has offered the racist cop who profiled dr. henry louis gates, jr. a beer at the white house to try to amend the bullshxt that’s been going down.

and as much as i’ve stood up for obama, i can’t seen to back this decision. it leaves me wanting to ask: what the fxck are you going to offer the racists who shoot unarmed black men 41 times while they’re reaching for their wallets? what can be the reason for inviting him. fxck trying to bring racism to an end and holding private meetings in your house – string the bastard up from the lincoln memorial while we sin old negro spirituals. that’s my vote.

—–

low self esteem

okay – so i fxcking need a haircut!
the self esteem seems to be slipping away from me…
got me stuck in the house thinking everybody can still see through my window and laugh…

yeah right!

you folks know i got the self esteem of a porn star.
as a matter of fact i think today i will wear a speedo and head to the intersection of wilshire & vermont and stop traffic.

but i still need a haircut!

—–

so today is just beginning for me @ 4:00pm.
i’ve been bullshxtting all day – procrastinating on my shower.

now don’t get me fxcked up or anything.
i know how to appreciate a shower – but i just haven’t been motivated today yet!

again…the haircut.
but i’m going in there in a sec.

and…i usually cut my own hair, but i need the back faded now, and i can’t do that myself. and if i could, i’d refuse.

—–

in an hour i can be found on wilshire @ wasabi with whoever wants to join me for $1.00 happy hour sushi.
i got a pocket full of legal tender and a hunger for yellow tail and spicy tuna.

lets get it!

—–

my little sister turned 18 today which makes me feel really old.
i think i missed her teen years for the most part.

what’s next for her?
what’s next for me?

i turn 30 when she turns 21
it’ll be a happy year for us both.

i think i’ll be pretty glad to see such an old age. lol.

i remember when i turned 24, all i’d keep thinking was:
damn…biggie was 24 when he died.
but when i was 13 – 24 seemed old as fxck.

ahhh well.

i look forward to old age because i know i’ve accomplished so much – my age will be measured in achievements. not many people can say that. i know TOO MANY 25+ year olds that have done absolutely nothing they’re proud of – excpet maybe graduating college…

but even dummies graduate college.

—–

before i jump in this shower, let me say this:

“to gain that which is worth having – it may be necessary to lose everything else”
-bernadette devlin
—–

leave or stay:

so the month of august may find me doing something i haven’t done in years: stressing.

i’m lying. i won’t be stressing, but there will be many decisions that need to be made.
do i stay in los angeles and continue to climb this ladder?
or do i go back to howard university and continue to climb that ladder?

side note: i have what’s known as ataraxia: a state of tranquility free from anxiety and emotional disturbance.

—–

my pros – cons – & bullshxt:

1. i came to los angeles with nothing but an unpaid internship and a gig as a script writer for a film company out of chicago. since being here i’ve developed into a script editor & evaluator, a playwright, and socialite.

2. howard has fxcked me over in a major way at least 4 times – no lube. the only thing going for howard is the degree at the end of the program – 2 years from now.

3. los angeles is not the east coast. no one here knows how to hustle and grind to achieve – except me – and 7 others.

4. i have a better chance of making my dreams happen out here than back there – a much better chance.

5. i hate los angeles.

6. there are people in dc i love, like and care for.

fxck! what should i do?

—–

so this weekend is coming to a close in a little under two hours and i must say:
i will miss it.

i had a great time in parks – restaurants – and ikea couches.

i’ve fallen back in love with a chef that i’ve known since the days of olde:

he knows the way to my heart is through my stomach. (no brokeback)

a great way to top it all off would have been to go and see esther’s little ass in that movie ‘orphan.’
i hear there’s something wrong with her.
i don’t know about you – but i feel it may scare me a little bit.
have me scare to look at adopted kids and shxt.

we shall see.
maybe tomorrow.

i think i’ll try to sneak into the theater at universal city walk.
hopefully a girl with low self esteem is working at the ticket window – that’s usually the case!

—–

so tonight i kick it with my pseudo celebrity friends while searching for new folks in my los angeles network.
i can’t hang with the lazy and socially retarded – so it’s hard making friends in los angeles.

the friends i have here are from the south or the east

now hiring:
la born & raised friends with the spirit of a hustler
and the moxy of a grinder.

start immediately.

—–

and i leave you with this picture and question:

who will cry for the little boy?

a new circle

i’m opening my eyes to what appears to be a cool ass day – so i plan on taking full advantage.

i still smell that spot where her neck & short met.

i think i may just travel through the city and state solo today – picking up new friends along the way.
gonna do some thrift shop hunting today. in the white neighborhoods of course.
because the goodwill over here where i live in koreatown, and even the shxtty one over in hollywood is full of clothes brought in by homeless people – it seems.

today rodeo drive and other side streets of beverly hills will find me chameleon-like.
i’ll blend in, ‘fresh as i’m is’


i’m checking out a few maseratis and going for a cruise around the block
blending in like i do.

if you don’t see me in beverly hills i ain’t trying to hide
i blend in with the rich
i’m camouflage

—–

yesterday @amandasophia – @jefro0586 and i hung out in the westwood area kicking it big
doing the happy hour sushi thing.
some of that extra fun shiznit – nahmean?

then there was the homeless man who decided to come up to me and start singing “it’s cheaper to keep her”


so full of laughs.

—–

i’m hoping my book “push” by sapphire comes today
i got it for pennies on ebay
and i need to read it before precious comes out.

—–

today – i’m wearing what they wear:

get bold – and get my white in before labor day.

it’s all about the skittles…

this is my state of mind!

my situation needs changing.
so i’m going to change my state of mind.
i’m always in grind mode…
but i’ve been operating at 85% because of my dislike of LA…

but i’m slapping on a grin & stepping up to 100% today and for the rest of my days here.
let’s get it done!

summer conditioning!

—–

i haven’t even stood up yet to start my day
and i have to pee so bad. shxt!
i’m getting there…indeed…

gonna eat my leftovers from bossa nova brazilian restaurant.
a little spot in hollywood where young men & young women go to experience their
first little taste of brazilian food.

me? i never been there…

hahahahaha

kidding.

it was good as fxck though.
i got the veggie lasagna and ‘freckles’ got the chicken alfredo.
the lemonade was very average though.

and the hookers who usually walk sunset were walking in to use the bathroom.
i guess thats the price you pay when you’re open til 4 on the hoe stroll.

with absolutely no room for desser – pulled out the bag of:

and i didn’t get in ’til 4:15 fucking around with that damn rainbow.
but definitely a great time.

—–

‘when you’re blue & got nothing to do – come on to the party life’

so yesterday was day #1 for rehearsal. dreams are becoming realities people.
when i say shxt like “i’m a writer” it doesn’t just mean that i have a notebook that i write simple poems, and would-be stories in…it means i AM a writer that has his work admired all over the world.

i have folks in dubai excited about the next book
and folks in dc waiting on an invoice.
i have the folks of west hollywood excited about a play that has yet to see the light of day.

it feels god (yes god).

—–

it’s friday – 6 minutes til noon.
and i need to know what’s going down this evening.

well, actually i know…
but i want to plan a little bit better.
woo!

i think i’ll be hitting Roscoes Chicken & Waffles after rehearsal with rochelle.
the wings at the joint on gower st. in hollywood are good as eff!
and the hot sauce is neck and neck with texas pete.

—–

shxt…i have to piss!
so i will end this here with this:

friends are like parachutes.
if they aren’t there for you the first time you need them.
chances are you will never need them again.

black in america…

this note will be quick –

in cnn’s attempt to portray blacks in america positively, i felt they still did a damn good job showing us the poor black children with the hoop dreams that probably won’t make it past 11th grade.

they made us feel bad for these children whose problems were much like our neighbors and cousins and brothers, etc…
there were kids in the group who excelled, but we do no know them. there were kids in the group who know rapping and basketball aren’t the only two ways out of their shelter – and the neighborhood.

does cnn know how much they contribute to what’s already out there about us. i thought the point was the show us something new. show us what we were missing about blacks in america.

what i got from tonight’s episode was this:

black people are still poor – except for those who’ve thrown their roots away with their daishikis and sandals – those who live on old plantations. AVERAGE black people have yet to be told that there is another way out. fathers are still absent thanks to their bad decisions.

i will say this: i was more impressed tonight than i was with the “marry your baby daddy day” bullshxt they had last year.

and i guarantee there will be idiots who read this and say “i didn’t see anything wrong with the episode. i loved it. i think it showed a great thing!” and i will smile and laugh at the little you know about the construction of race and the media.

side note: did anybody catch how they framed the black male college student during his introduction. look at them showing the picture of him with the two females. look at who they showed first.

wow!

peace.