shut the door

and i’m still not able to listen to “one last cry” to the end.
so i substitute the playlist for one with nothing but sade.
and although her shxt is sad – none of those songs tell our story.

and as soon as i hear “it’s only love that gets you through” i put it on song repeat for three goes around the merry-go-round – and all is well.

this is that part of life men fear.
i’ve lost my calf love on some road to fresh sneakers and low caesars.
college found her to be nothing but a memory in old journals and random get-ups over the school vacations.

but you were going to the be that love i married.
when we both seemed to disappear behind state lines and new lives – i moved on.
i found the warm dew of others to be equally comforting and their smiles to be just as bright.

a couple – even more so.

and the distance lessened – and we became too comfortable with the once new lives – and needed reassurance in the front seat of your suv.
i could have married you right there.
the music stopped when your door open and we needed to question what we did.

i’m still muslim.
you’re still christian.
i’m not christian.

and i’m left to admit – i’ve never questioned any of it.
and i still don’t want to.
i just want you to shut the door and allow your hands to find the back of my head.
i want out eyelashes to touch.

i just want you to shut the door so the music can play.

and now that i’m looking at the time and this half empty glass of vodka and naked juice i don’t know what to tell you.

i just want you to shut the door – and let me explain to you why we don’t look like what we’ve been through – together

and you are never again allowed to say:
“had you asked – i would have come back”
it hurts too much.

2 thoughts on “shut the door

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