new soul. learning.


i’ve spent more time watching planes depart & arrive in the past month than i’ve spent in the comfort of my home.
it’s the life i signed up for, i know – but damn.
can there be a break between tragedies, love stories & random visits south?

god only knows.
and a few of my followers on twitter (@abednego_jones is me on twitter) have asked if they could have my life.
the thing is: they don’t know i’d happily trade lives with them for week.
they’d die, though. this life is built for me & me only.
it’s kinda like when a white man goes to certain parts of subsaharan africa. they have no chance of survival.
same story here.

so i’m working on a new soul.
learning a bit about how to give & take.
learning a bit about what is true & fake.

fxck the remainder of ’09.
using the next month to destroy so that rebuilding can begin at the beginning.
—–

so i’m sitting in a fort lauderdale airport smelling like i just fell in love with a beautiful red bowlegged girl – fine as all outdoors.
when in actuality, it’s this glazed donut and orange juice that’s creating these splendiferous aromas around my lips.
but before 7:20am, she did exist there as well.
and i suppose parts of her will exist on my macbook pro keyboard until we meet again.

it’s time to go home.

—–


i brought the kid back to his mother’s place of birth sunday morning after his week in virginia.
it was great spending time with the clone.
his birthday was last monday(23rd) and it was funny watching him have so much fun getting older, and listening to him scream “i’m excited” over and over. i remembered the days when birthdays used to be great. they’re still fun, but not as fun. there are no more transformer helmets or remote cars to play with when you’re my age.
i guess there could be, but nope.

that’s my little dude. i allow him to work on his own thoughts and develop them.
and reach his own conclusions.
when he’s seven i’ll start sharing my thoughts on life – love – politics & religion.
and answer any questions he may have about whatever.

and i’m working on allowing his future to dwell is my past so that i may live brighter nows. (sw)



—–

now let’s talk in hypotheticals:
hypothetically – if i tell you not to do something because it could result in bodily harm or perhaps even death & you do it – do you not deserve to die or be severely beaten? i mean, look at manolo, scarface’s main dude. he had to be taught a lesson.

—–

my line brother called me with news of his father’s passing.
i only have one line brother, so of course it’s the same line brother who called me barely a month ago to tell me of his girlfriend’s passing.
i told him i’d completely understand if he went crazy for an undetermined amount of time.
i recommend it. just fuck up some shit, and be unapologetic.

pray for him
—–
and then there’s my imaginary friend: my ego.
he’s returned. for those who haven’t been properly introduced to him, he’s a bit of an asshole.
his performance has not yet caught up with his ego, but it’s almost there.
he returned saturday night while in the barber’s chair in charlottesville.

and before the flight boards, i must wrap this up…
but more blogs coming soon. perhaps from my ego.


—–

we.stood.still

i was showing her a photo taken by robert doisneau in paris.
he titled if le baiser de l’hotel de ville.
i was telling her how one day i’m going to make the trip to l’hotel de ville and re-create this photo.

and then we stood in the intersection of church st & tampa ave in orlando
and this photo was taken.
and it’s become my favorite picture. and maybe i don’t need to go to paris to re-create such greatness. i can frame this and find room for it.

i made the 13-hour drive to orlando friday for the florida classic.
not for the game because in real life i couldn’t care less about the wildcat football team this year.
they fxcking suck! although we did beat howard who i fxcking hate.
well – hate is an effed up word – but i dislike.

and i have pictures to prove this weekend happened.
to prove the greatness of it all.
but the things i will remember most exist only in my head
& maybe on the rental car report.

it’s getting cold for real (for real) now.
i’m kind of hype. i got this fresh ass coat and some shxt to go with it.
doing it big this winter – wearing my new happiness & the coat my happiness helped pick out.

oh shxt!!!!

so i rocked my new look. NOTHING but compliments were given. the greatness of it all. i loved it.
i’m kind of hoping more photos exist of the fits.
we’ll see right?

and then there was the party saturday where the asshole police officers of florida wanted to flex power.
if i could kill a cop and get no punishment at all – that officer would have been taken out.
and that’s not a negative statement – it’s just me speaking.

actually – there will be no more negativity in 2009 & NONE AT ALL in 2010. as soon as it shows it’s ugly head – it’s erased from the life i created. the life that took the cliched blood sweat and tears. but mine aren’t metaphorical – nor do i speak in symbols.

it’s sad to see shoulda-been success stories.
those who once ruled the world but now wake up to empty full sized mattresses and no missed calls.

i don’t answer my phone often – but my missed call list lets me know i’m still relevant someplace.

there has to be something that rips your heart apart when you’re sweeping the streets you used to cruise & run when you reigned supreme. there must be that voice in your head that cries when you don’t want the world to see you do it out loud – every time someone asks “so what have you been doing since high school/since college” and you have to tell them “nothing.”

those shoulda-been success stories.

and i remember when i felt sorry for those who didn’t succeed.
when i believed so many people fall victim to their environments.
but then i succeeded in spite of my environment. and i do NOT want to be seen as an exception. i want to be seen as the rule. so i succeeded and i pull everybody UP who asks.

there’s no one alive or dead that can say i didn’t help them out when they asked.
there’s no one alive or dead that can say i didn’t show up when they needed me most.
that’s the shxt i take pride in.

here is where i am an exception: i maintain control of my soul on my road to success. most toss them out believing it’s a requirement because there MUST be a moment where we all sell-out.

i’ve never sold out for success.

when they ask “what have you been doing” – i smile and tell them to have a seat.

judging my society

since sitting in michelle thompson’s english 131 class freshman year and watching her write on the board “you can judge a society by the way it treats its women” – i believed it.

and then i sat on the green line train towards greenbelt (boarded at anacostia) and my belief changed.
my believe became: you can judge a society by the way the women treat themselves.
those women who board the train loudly, popping their gum – talking about their probation officers.
those women who dream of shaking their ass in front of a camera – whether it’s hype williams’ camera of her boyfriend’s.

and it’s 2:48am & i stopped giving a shit about the women that don’t give a shit about themselves.
so i move on…

—–

tonight – sometime – i hit the road for florida.
i got the uniqlo flat front trousers and the skinny jeans in the bag
i got the shades sitting out on the counter
& i got the music on the ipod.

what happens in florida will not stay in florida.
it will happen again & again
perhaps in new york for new years & the bahamas or jamaica or aruba for one of those ‘just because’ holidays.
it will happen again and again.

—–


i got the soft honey wheat bread staring at me from the counter
i got dexter (season 4 episode 4) watching me blog
and i got a messenger window open – keeping myself entertain by making youknowwho happy.
this is what i do.

what am i going to eat.
i remember those days when there were no options.
it was me sitting in a house with nothing but a pack of oriental noodles (which i hate and refused to eat, even when starving) and wondering if any of the groupies loved me enough to cook.

and there was always one.
but she wasn’t my groupie. she was @pnoty groupie.
but i was often able to convince her that by cooking for me, she’d please him.
so i ate great.

now, whenever i’m hungry, i think of her.
i wonder what she’s doing RIGHT NOW.

*checking to see if she’s on facebook*

—–

fuck.
memories are fucked up at 3:06am.

i’m starting to remember the drug dealer that was killed outside my cousin’s house back in ’99.
i remember the girl i brought back to the house when ‘the whore’ broke up me – then had to fake a n*t because she was horrible beneath the sheets.
i remember the rabbit (diamond) we HAD to take care of, then she died in our custody. found stiff in the living room.

hahahaha

i have great memories stored behind my massive forehead – long eye lashes (they love them) – and eyes that hypnotize.


—–

and i will finish this night by leaving her this note:

nothing is more beautiful than you wearing nothing but moonlight and my kisses.

good morning: untangle our bodies


good morning.

let’s untangle our bodies and begin this day.

one morning – soon – i’m thinking of waking up to a kiss on a cheek & lowered shades.
they’ll be raised high enough to see the beautiful day on the other side of the window.

yeah – that’s how i want to wake up – one day soon.

one morning in the very near future i want to wake up twenty minutes before your eyes crack to the light & write a few thoughts on a sticky note – and place it on the bathroom mirror. i’ll crawl back in the bed & go back to sleep until you wake me up with a goofy smile on your face.

good morning – i’d say.
this is my favorite love song.

‘i’ve waited all night long.”

“before you get into the shower
before you worry about your hair
baby give me one more hour
i want you to stay right there
i don’t want to lose a moment
i don’t want to miss a kiss
if i could plant he perfect day, love
then i would start it just like this:

good morning.”
-jl

so i woke up this morning & the first thing i did – after turning on the tv – was write this to you.

no matter what you or i dream
or what happens post-noon
i will do everything in my power to make sure every morning is good.

good morning.

i’m on my shxt

last night was great, man.

checked out a documentary that made fatherless children, abandoned grandmothers & bitter mothers not so much a black issue anymore – but universal. a film by ido haor. great work.

then me and my classmates hit bus boys & poets to talk, shoot the shxt, & drink to our hearts became light again. in real life what we were doing was releasing all the tension that built up last week with all the work due.
and we talk & drank & repeated.

we realized that we love it, though.
we love the busy feeling. working 80+ hour weeks making life happen and being forced to meet deadlines on impossible tasks. it’s the life we were called to do. it’s why we were where we were last week.
it’s what brought us to 14th & V NW DC.

we are left brainers. that makes us different.
that means we will always be searching for that next great thing.

sidenote: have i blogged about the new tattoo:

after discussing the greeks’ homosexuality – lauryn hill being called a rapper – and ghostface killah’s lyrics we talked about what we needed to do to be where we want to be in 10 years.

some of us won’t make it. some of us aren’t as serious about what it is we claim we want.
but me…i’m on my shxt.
i grind hard.
when the people say move – i move.
the people said ‘go to california and make it.’ – i did.
the people said ‘life is in new york city. go.’ – i did.

and now the people are telling me to tighten the belt – buy a few bottles of 5 hour energy shots and a few cups of coffee and get this next goal out of the way.
and i will.

i play dumb – often.
but far from being a fool.
i’m a self-proclaimed genius. but don’t take my word for it – ask about me.
and pretty soon – i’m gonna be that guy that with that accidental success story.
sitting on millions and a smile – next to youknowwho – drinking lemonades. wet willie’s frozen drinks, and exotic waters – speaking to students who want to be where i am – telling them everything i know.

because the truth is: i don’t want the range rover if my brother can’t have one as well.

i am a hustler.
—–

i walked out of class monday & realized i needed to escape DC – so i got on the bolt bus and made my way to new york.
and a lot of you know i’ve been in the process of changing my wardrobe for the last 4 months.
well, the opportunity presented itself and i took advantage.

i brought my first few pair of fitting (skinny – but not so much) jeans – and some boots to rock out with them.
my south london blood (jenn) is going to hold my hand in the thrift shops and tell me what i need to get to complete it.
she’s on her shxt too.
she & i have a few plans to make this thing happen HUGE.


get in on the movement folks.
that’s exactly what this is.

most of you are trying to make it happen by speaking it into existence.
i’m making it happen.

join the movement.
i’m always open to suggestions when it comes to fashion.
because i lack there.

—–

and next weekend begins ‘last roadtrip ’09’
and i’m heading to florida.
still searching for a co-pilot.
who’s down?

—–

—–

in real life, folks, i’m a square.
i’m that one guy that people look at in the hood and try to figure out why i fit in so well.
i’m that friend everyone has that lives his life on luck and chance. things just happen for me. not because i’m cool – but because i’m ME.
strange, i tell you.

in high school i was voted ‘most unforgettable’
in college i was “that dude”
and now i’m the father of a cloned kid (genius) – a published author of two books – a well traveled man – degreed (working on the final one) – and an excellent filmmaker.

i am on my shxt, folks.
and none of it was easy.
i just know what i want – and when i want it to happen – so i do it.

my environment was the same as my 7 friends who barely made it out of high school – and now waiting for release dates.
my environment was the same as the hundreds who have never made it beyond the virginia state line – and ask how i’m doing everytime i go home.

it’s just that i’m on my shxt.
and it won’t stop.


—–

on the road north

headed to new york city once again to make a few dreams happen.
my life is getting to the point where there is not a fine line between ‘meeting’ & ‘kicking it.’
and i’m going here to do one or the other.

when i return i will have figures in my head and a dream to focus on.
feel me?

so my homegirl asks: how will you know when you’re successful?

from 2003 up until a few weeks ago i was living by diddy’s definition.
diddy says he knew he was successful the first time he flew with no luggage.
i loved that. it was fxcking awesome. that statement means something, man!

but i was sitting there trying to figure out why i want to be successful & why i want to reach the level of success i’m aiming for.
and i called my mom to let her know i loved her, and it hit me:
*i will know i’m successful when i call my mom at work, and tell her that today is her last day*

“see i’m a hustler’s hope. i’m not his pipe dream.”
“when they speak of success – i’m what they might mean”

-jay z
—–

so next month i will be three semesters away from being able to officially call myself a scholar.
it almost feels good. i was starting to lost sigh of the light that hangs at the end of this fxcking tunnel howard university has made.

of the countless days i’ve had this semester, it’s safe to say i spent at least 80% of those contemplating dropping out of school. but something kept pulling me back in. sometimes i’m mad at whatever it is that’s been pulling me back, but sometimes, i love it.

and as fxcked up as it sounds, one of the main reasons i stick around is because i talk a lot of shit about a lot of people, and having ‘dr.’ attached to my name givs a lot of leeway there. and when they talk shit about me, there will be a lot of shit they won’t be able to say.

—–

and then there is her.

she makes me feel like a square sometimes. like a lame ass dude – but i know that much is far from the truth.
but it’s cool because i think she’s starting to dig square guys.
well – not so much square guys – but me.
she digs me. and i can dig that.

so i told her i’d keep that smile on her face if she promised to only keep my small planet bright when need be.
she said ‘ok’ and giggled.

that girl is dangerous.
she reminds me of the days i call ‘good old’
and she knows it – and laughs ever chance she gets.

i’ve broken all my rules for her.
i’m a law breaker – not a rule breaker.
i’d rather shoplift in walmart than tell her i miss her
but i have. and i do.
i miss her.

so when she reads this blog she won’t be shocked at my words because i tell her this as often as i can.

she’s ‘words of affirmation’ & i’m ‘acts of service’
and she’s interested in a writer. a man that creates sentences and catch phrases hoping to catch her attention before she considers squares un-cool.
so words of affirmation come daily.

and if i forgot to tell you today – i say it now:

the smile i wear on my face to match my handshakes, hugs, and jeans, are all because of you – beautiful.

“There is nothing that a woman has to do to get a man to commit. The man who sees that special spark in her, that only she possesses, will not expect her to be anything other than who she is. And he will value, appreciate, and love her for it.” – hill harper (thanks)


—–

i started this blog to try to inspire as many folks as possible
& to teach the lazy how to hustle & grind.

and i find that i’m also forcing myself to push harder.

i’m not sure how many of my readers are filmmakers, or entertainers, or what have you – but this past weekend i found myself shooting 4 films in 3 days.
now, for those who may think that is easy…
my schedule began at 1pm friday afternoon & ended around 1am sunday.
i don’t remember the bed, or closing my eyes – just the waking up parts.
but i did it.
with the help of great filmmakers, writers, directors, actors, and the like.

and if you live in DC – you, too, woke up saturday morning to a beautiful day & sunday morning to a warm day and you knew you had to get out for the day.

how many of you made life happen this weekend?
how many of you stayed home watching your favorite shows – making the dash between your birth and death date mean nothing?

let’s live the life we’ve always wanted.

—–

i exit with this:

love and succeed with no limits. abandon inhibition & be.

bottle after bottle – let’s talk


let me start by saying:
i chose this plies song because some people may need to hear it right now!!!

—–

last night – somewhere between standing on a cold ass corner by a train & passing out on a comfortable axx futon – there was a revelation made. written in invisible ink in the bible i keep in my pocket that quotes me.

why am i who i am?

my homegirl whom i wrote the ‘smoking’ blog about & i decided to connect after not seeing each other since election night when she was dancing on top of the city bus (or a truck) or some vehicle.

so we decided on bus boys & poets after i told her i had absolutely no funds thanks to the recent going ons – and she understood.
bus boys was it’s usual: fake axx intellectuals discussing politics and religion over plates of food they know they really hate. & then there were the laptop users who can never get work done at home – so they come here to check facebook and take up space.
but you gotta love it.

but we just wanted a drink.
so we walked out when we heard there was a 15 minute wait – and hit MARVIN’S.

i told her about all the shit that’s been going down in this life in the past year and a half.
she shook her head in disbelief.
then asked: who do you talk to about your problems?

me: the bartender.

i’m telling you folks, i make this life of mine look easy. i keep a few masks in my backpack to wear.
the truth is still: i am happy 95% of the time. but that doesn’t mean shit ain’t hard.
it just means my spirit is in tact.

so my whiskey sour was on point (in that small axx glass) & her martini was cool.
i realized i miss mingling with the working-middle class folks who keep their work clothes on after work so people can know they have a job that involves a chair and probably a cubicle.
they were all in there having fun, showing off their new scarves and hats and thin p-coats.
the thick ones are coming out in a few weeks. believe me.
it’s getting cold.

and then we got on relationships & flaws.

those of you who know me know that somehow i make it through life with little worry or concern. actually none at all…except in one situation: loss.
then i have some strange feeling that i can’t really define, but it’s there.
strange.
so we had to explore this.
and believe me, i’ve been thinking about this for YEARS.

so we go grab a bottle she left at a friend’s in bethesda & then hit her place in SW DC
and we start pouring and going back through the years.

her: when was the last time you remember being emotional because of a gain? getting your degrees? high school graduation? crossing into the frat?

me: none of that. damn. i was cool about it all, but none of it did anything for me emotionally.

her: do you remember the first time you felt a loss?

me: no. well…my earliest memory is from two years old when my parents split. i remember them splitting.

then i sat there, looked at at her looking at me – then i looked out the sliding glass doors, and said:

SON OF A BITCH!
that’s it! the source of all my bullshit.

and it’s so simple and in my face.
that’s my earliest memory. and it’s so random because i remember that, but that’s the only memory i have from 2. the rest of them don’t start until 4.
wow.

so we kept pouring the 10 Cane until we passed out.
then i found myself boarding the train with the Hill & Navy & Anacostia people.

—–

it’s 10:00+ and in 3 hours i start shooting the first film of the weekend.
we’re shooting 4 total. mine begins sunday morning @ 830am. DAMN!
too damn early.
but it’s the life we sign up for, right?

—–

i’m taking comfort in this life. not the comfort that kills us…but i’m happy with what’s going on overall.
my friends are the greatest and my family is alright. lol.
who could ask for anything more?
i know who i am.
and i know who i will be years from now.
me.