find god & stay there

find god & stay there

where i live

because so many of you only know me through this blog, my website and my tweets, you may not know this:
i live in my imagination. nothing there is real, and anything, at any moment, can be changed if i want.

side story (and i promise to come back to the one above):
tonight i went to cirque du soleil ovo and had a “wow” moment.
a wow moment is one of those moments when you’re sitting there (or standing there, or whatever you’re doing) and something makes you say “wow” loudly.
and i’m not 100% sure if it was the performers moves, and skills and talents, or if it was what was going on between the scene changes and the lighting sequences.
we reached a point in the show where ANYTHING was possible.
i was LITERALLY waiting for someone to disappear and reappear as God or something.

back to my story:
i dream big, live big, and will always be this way. this is me.
and i’m happy 96% of the time.
that other 4% is made up of the times when:
*people eff my time and/or money up
*people come to me with their sad stories about how they don’t always want to be where they are in life, but they are also unwilling to sacrifice anything to change that place

so i share my stories every chance i get, and my success to any person who has an ear and a WANT.
because like i’ve been saying for the past 10+ years: “i don’t want a benz unless my brother can get one, too.” (thanks r. shipman for that)


so i offer this to those brave enough to listen and act:

in life there must always be a struggle. there must always be suffering. there will always be a defeat somewhere along the way. each of these things are inevitable. but it is always better to lose while struggling and suffering in pursuit of a dream and a goal than to lose without knowing what it is you are fighting for.


i used to be a bully.
me and “sam” went through each grade together from kindergarten, and five days a week, unless he missed a day, i was making fun of his clothes, gadgets, weight, and anything else i could. a few of the best nicknames one could give a classmate were made up by me, and i was proud of that.

we had a conversation not long ago, and he told me he once tried to kill himself in high school. not completely because of me, but i was factored into the decision. i had put those years behind me, thinking graduation absolved me. what a feeling. i deeply apologized, and since, i’ve apologized to him, a boy i once blamed for shxtting on the toilet seat and floor in first grade, when in fact it was me with diarrhea, the 10+ dudes who were kidnapped, assaulted, held at gun point and had their homea vandalzed and broken into by me and others in college, and several other random folks.

to those i bullied:

but i will say these last two things on the subject:

1. may the killers of bobby tillman and those who stood around watching his life disappear and did nothing but laugh and videotape it live the rest of their life with his face in their minds.

2. if anyone bullies my kid(s) i will kill them, and those who object.


but yes…
i live in my head where all the beautiful things reside.
when the weather gets to be too much – i change addresses.
i make sure i have at least six “wow” moments a week, but i aim for thousands.

and each day i do something good for someone who will probably never be able to repay me.
and though there is no such thing as a selfless act, this is as close as it gets.
i LOVE my life and the imagination i’ve been working on since 3 years old.

R.I.P. Messy Mya. When We Book, Who We Book? EVERYBODY.

daylight saving me

daylight saving me

i consciously gave up poetry today
i refused to write
after my turkey bacon i wiped ten lines of poetry from my chin and sucked a metaphor or two from my fingers
the butter from the flaky biscuits and grease from the bacon was just that good
i refused to acknowledge it as anything other than grease
because i promised i’d save the next poem for you
hang it on your wall
stick it behind a magnet and post it to your refrigerator
you can even carry it tightly in your panty liner
just take it and love it hard
mars ain’t the kind of place to chill on stoops
besides there are none
don’t save me no poetry
this daylight shouldn’t have been saved
we were fine believing there wasn’t enough time to love one another before the sun came
this extra hour is proving inconvenient
but i’ll love you anyway
just slower

i felt too righteous today and was scared to write anything but my name on a signature line
they’d misunderstand me and sequal the bible and i’m not ready
and i don’t need nobody writing about me and my misfortunes
and equally i want no one using my struggle as a guide for their own
so i didn’t write you all day out of fear
i’ve only given up poetry in protest and out of love
i’m protesting something right now
or at least at the end of this one
i don’t want to be anybody but we
you me
anybody but we
and in spite of my me being slightly off balance
i’ma love you anyway
just like yesterday 1968

For Colored Folks Who May Consider Boycotting Bad Films In The Future

For Colored Folks Who May Consider Boycotting Bad Films In The Future
by Darnell Lamont Walker

“I loved you on purpose,” cried the lady in blue.
i hated you the same way, is what I wanted to yell at the screen for this sketchy rendition of a masterpiece.
forgive this review for it’s randomness, but i took notes in the dark on purple paper with black ink, so I can barely make some of it out myself.

there’s a reason i’ve been hoping for the death of this film long before it came out. actually several, but let’s start with number one:

i am an artist. it took a while for me to accept that, but that’s what i am. and being an artist, i know art. FOR COLORED GIRLS WHO HAVE CONSIDERED SUICIDE WHEN THE RAINBOW IS ENUF is art. it was art when i read it in 1995, and it was art again when Teresa Dowell-Vest, one of the greatest writers and directors i know, directed the stage play in 1998. being unfortunate enough to have witnessed the many catastrophes Perry has put on screen, i didn’t want this to end up in the same file cabinet.

number two:

For Colored Girls is a show about women, for women. it’s about women loving women, and women loving self. “how can can misogynist, self-loathing, irresponsible filmmaker bring across the views of a womanist,” i asked myself, assuming Ntozake Shange is a womanist. and what would his usual target audience (middle aged, african american women who never learned about the construction of false identities, communities, and life imitating art) think of this? “they’ll love it, i know”was my answer.

What’s hard for me is finding a good starting point, and how to enter this with you all. should i assume that most people have seen the stage play? or at least read it? No, I know my target audience, so i’ll just start from scratch:

thin lines didn’t exist in this film. the line drawn between Shange’s words and Perry’s cliche’d phrases and jokes could withstand a New York City subway system. when the poems/monolongues (shange’s words) ended, there was an immediate shift. had the brilliant, beautiful woman sitting next to me not noticed the same thing, i’d think i was crazy. i am not crazy. we, as an entire audience, attached ourselves to Shange’s words hoping they’d never end, but when they did, we sat back in our seats, slumped and frustrated at the simpleness and surface level attempts at poetry. made by the new writer.

speaking of surface level, who in the hell were these characters? thank god for the magnificent talent that made up this near-perfect cast, but they should all feel cheated. i had no allegiance to any of them. i felt nothing. i knew not where they came from nor where they were going. they could have worn sunshades throughout the whole film, and a difference would not have been made. soul-less “ghouls” created by the director, who seems to be making poor character development his signature, like Spike Lee made the stroll his.

Kimberly Elise has always been among my top five list of favorite actresses, and after seeing this film, you will know why. i can’t say for sure, but I am sure the greatness of actors such as Thandie Newton, Whoopi Goldberg, Kerry Washington, Loretta Devine, Anika Noni Rose and the woman who will one day be my wife (in this life or the next) Phylicia Rashad guaranteed a quality we may not have gotten had Beyonce accepted and Mariah Carey stayed. Tessa Thompson was outstanding and Janet was a brilliant surprise, making this role one of her best portrayals of an actress, although she was merely playing the “colored” version of Meryl Streep’s Miranda Priestly.

While trying to figure out how and why an untreated STD worked it’s way into the film, and was never mentioned again, i counted: 1 Rape, 2 STD’s, 1 Black man on the “downlow”, and a partridge in a pear tree. and as much as i tried not writing this into the review, i have to: when can we have a “colored” film without the cliched downlow brother creating paranoia? while this issue does exist, i’d for once like to go to the theater to see a “colored” film without it. related: these bad black men, who failed to appear as anything other than a mention in the stage play, came to life as the the accomplices of these main women who apparently wanted to bring pain on themselves. [you have to take some of the responsibility. how much is up to you] is what, or close to what, Gilda (Rashad) told Crystal/Lady in Brown(Elise).

and the one solid brother in the film, Donald, played by Hill Harper, was in the clear with me until his wife’s breakdown. she had guilt on her heart because she failed to do her job which would have prevented an ungodly tragedy. he woke up, saw her crying, and let her know that his love for her would heal her, and not to worry any longer. where would you women be without a man created by Perry? LOST!

For my own pleasure, i’d love for you all to take a look at the clearly fake tattoo work given to Beau WIllie, played by Michael Ealy, and Rose, the back alley abortionist, played by Macy Gray.

aside from maybe one too many aerial shots and the light meant for a milk-skinned white woman placed on Khalil Kain’s (who played Bill) face, I give the production crew a standing ovation. out of 10, i give this film a 5.5 because Ntozake Shange’s half was damn near perfect. and the .5 comes for tyler’s attempts at beefing promotion while failing to mention his own RAINBOW on oprah not too long ago.

Thank You,

Darnell Lamont Walker

Production: Lionsgate and TPS present a 34th Street Films/Lionsgate production
Cast: Janet Jackson, Loretta Devine, Michael Ealy, Kimberly Elise, Omari Hardwick, Hill Harper, Thandie Newton, Phylicia Rashad, Anika Noni Rose, Tessa Thompson, Kerry Washington, Whoopi Goldberg, Macy Gray
Director-screenwriter: Tyler Perry
Based on the play by: Ntozake Shange
Producers: Tyler Perry, Paul Hall, Roger M. Bobb
Executive producers: Ozzie Areu, Joseph P. Genier, Nzingha Stewart, Michael Paseornek
Director of photography: Alexander Gruszynski
Production designer: Ina Mayhew
Music: Aaron Zigman
Costume designer: Johnetta Boone
Editor: Maysie Hoy
Rated R, 120 minutes

fxcking trust

my mama said paper brings roaches to the house
so i’ve always asked for plastic
i’ve always asked for nothing but honesty
i’ve always asked this of everyone
even the bag boys
double bag my shit ’cause i can’t trust that