[i dedicate this post to those who are able to find small amounts of light in the dark world they’ve built with the help of one other person. and that light is enough to make that a seemingly happy home]
[Sasquatch, Godzilla, King Kong, Lochness, Goblin, Ghoul, a zombie with no conscience] everybody knows I’m a motherf*cking monster. Or at least this is what they’ve made me out to be when I am not able to meet their expectations. A heartless bloodsucker, I am in their head. But who do I change for?
I sometimes wish I was like everybody else. The air on my planet is too thin, and I’m usually out of breath, and my brain doesn’t function properly at all times. Oh! i say all that to say this: I wish I was like everybody else when it comes to intimate relationships. I’m not, though, and sometimes it really f*cks things up. I want to be like that friend I lost a couple of months ago who believed so much in his failing relationship that a sacrifice had to be made. I want to be like my sister who ignores better advice, and recently got engaged to a guy who she must know is a failure in every sense of the word. Or even like my brother who ignored all the bad things, focused on her one good, and “put a ring on it.” [going to the bathroom to drink something poisonous. can’t believe i quoted that]. But I’m not like any of them.
I am that guy that enters the relationship putting as much on the table as possible, or at least all I know about myself, and hope to grow from there, however possible. I believe in happiness above all else, and as long as we’re happy, I think we’re good, and I do my damnedest to make that happiness happens, feel me? But my damnedest does not include sacrificing myself. This “self” I’ve spent a lifetime building is the self that I’ve been in an on again/off again relationship with as far back as my memory will allow me to go, and though we’re constantly changing, some changes requested are not made immediately. [that was a mouthful, and i don’t feel like reading over it to see if it makes sense, so i hope it does]
I think my exes have formed a group on facebook or twitter or in some alley, and they’ve written up a script to hand to the next ex. It’s all the same after the courtship:
1. “I just want you to be a little bit different”
They’ve all wanted me:
1. to care more [when i’ve repeatedly had to tell them i care as much as one could].
2. to show more affection [when i’ve told them in the beginning how affectionate i am]
3. to incorporate them into my life a lot more [when they know why there are places they’ll never go with me, and people they will never meet – because i stated this in the beginning]
4. to be that ex they wish they never left who, through stories told to me during tough time, sounds like a guy and makes me question why they really left their last relationship.
5. to change.
Somewhere along the way, while writing this, I lost a few thoughts. Maybe this next sentence will get me back on track:
The funny thing is I can be everything they’ve all wanted me to be, easily. You know the giraffe used to have a short neck, right? [smart folk line] I can be all those things. I can hold your hand while walking down the street if you want me to. I can take you everywhere I go, and smile while you’re there shaking hands and making plans like me. I can be everything your ex was. In exchange, though, you’d have to want to be with a disingenuous person who will eventually lose himself somewhere in that realm.
I am not a chaser, so I will never call your bluff. If you don’t want to leave, don’t bring it up. I am not in the business of keeping folks that don’t want to be kept. If it flips, and I say I want to leave, there is absolutely nothing that could change my mind.
Wait…No…Yeah. I can be that perfect person for you, and if science and bullsh*t is correct, it shouldn’t take but a few days for me and “self” to get used to our new life of lies, and anti-authenticity. So let’s give it a shot. Let me not be that person you fell for, and be the person you hoped I’d become after a few cooked meals and fancy evenings.
But who do I lose myself for?
I don’t want to be the monster, so I’ve never intentionally worn the mask. Makes no sense to be that. I’ve been me. The best me I’m able to put into the eye of those who behold, but what they’ve all said is “that you isn’t good enough. I know that’s the you I fell for, but it’s not the you I want to be with.” So the mask remains. One day, though, I won’t be so ugly.
funny almost random fact about me: i’m a gift and curse. after me, the next dude they meet – they marry. either i’m that bad, or i was their last true thrill before a life of boredom. yeah…i’ve met the dudes…boring.
“maybe one day we’ll meet ppl where it wont be so complicated” – R. M. (J-to-the)