monday @ 12:49am it hit me.
after a day of calling, texting, emailing and begging (yes, begging) folks for much needed space on floors, couches, beds, corners or wherever they could find it, i find myself still empty handed, and questioning several friendships. because i’ve made my friends my family (extended, immediate, modern), i take friendship serious.
to vent: today i only called and texted the people who i felt would help me because they know i’d do the same thing for them if they were ever in a similar situation. and for several of them, i have done the same thing. some gave me the african-american proverb: “if you can’t get anyone else to do it, let me know and i’ll see what i can do.” and some just said “no” with no reason.
people, specifically mine (from my experience), and their short term memories forget how they got to where they are. they forgot the hands that helped lift them to that level.
though i pretend to be an asshole sometimes on social networks, i’m actually a really nice guy. i’m that friend who shows up when needed. deaths, births, weddings, emergency room visits, fighting, etc. ask the people. i show up.
the other day monika told me to tell her something about me that no one knew. this is what i should have said:
“when i walked into my house and saw that it had been robbed, i walked back to the sidewalk, stood there for an hour and realized there were only two people in cali i could call that would have truly given a damn. i called one while waiting for the police. after the police left i went to the other’s house and banged on the door at 5:45am. i slept there until i moved.”
and now, added to my list of fears, which only include drowning and hearing god sneeze and not knowing what to say, is dying and no one showing up, proving a large chunk of my life was in vain. don’t confuse it, i am not afraid to die, just that no one will show up in the church. and the fact that i’m prone to blood clots and my left temple is throbbing slowly is not easing that fear. dear god, don’t let me die tonight. too much to do. send joe black (which i hope john has watched already).
re-defining friendship: you are not my friend because we’ve laughed together over plates of something fried and cups of goodness. you are my friend because if i call you, you answer. because you were the first person that came to mind when the struggle far outweighed the progress. because if i say i need it, you don’t need any other reason to give it.
i’ll still show up.