I do love it. This life. It fits me, and it fits into my carry-on luggage and backpacks and pockets. It’s a good life. I come and go when the people invite me and when they dismiss me. I can set up an office in the sand, on a cliff or in the small space Greyhound calls a seat, and not miss one day of necessary work. It’s a good life.
But every so often I attempt to bring some sort of calm to it. When I find myself giving up on my efforts to “make it big” and settle for just a few people knowing my name, and a few hundred knowing what it is I actually do. I found that cross street where “Where I Am” meets “Where I Want To Be,” and, as I feared, it’s in a town I’m not very fond of, but around people I’ve grown to love. And in that, I discovered there’s always an intersection and I’ll need to take both roads at some point, and it may end up being the road I despise during the happier times of my life. The universe will bring balance, huh?
A calm to this life. I want to leave a space and believe myself as much as others when I say “I’ll be back soon.” I left Los Angeles with those words, knowing no one truly believed them because those folks no me now. I want that calm in my life. Perhaps then they won’t be so scared of getting attached, or investing emotionally. Invitations to the small things may start appearing, and a few “how are you’s” may come.
I’d love to see me from the outside. I heard someone say a few months ago “we don’t know what we really look like. The way others see us.” I want to see that guy. Perhaps he’s worthy of the rumors and praise and abuse.
I’m preparing for two art exhibitions after only being someone who paints (I have no earned the title “painter” yet) for a couple of years. I have two stage plays popping up in Washington, DC in June and I laugh and smile as I anticipate great success while simultaneously biting my nails off because I’ve found a way to deal with this slight fear of “what happens if it’s actually successful?” It’s a good life.
I’m on a Greyhound now, stretched across a seat, passing through my hometown, noticing how much everything’s changed since my last run-in. It’s about growth, though.
I really do love it.