To You: Whoever You Are Now

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To You (Because I came so close to sacrificing my inner freedoms for you) –

The hardest part of this is not us not being together. That much I’ve learned to deal with from the many dissolutions behind me. It’s knowing everything has become undone. You’ve come undone and you’ve become fine with that.

You found a man to love you like your mama loves your daddy, like your brother loves that girl that doesn’t love him in return, like you wanted me to love you. He loves you for who you are. It’s what you’ve wanted since you were 13 because it sounded amazing when Carrie Bradshaw preached it, and in every book aimed at girls that age and older. He loves the you you were before I came along to fuck you up; before I came along and had you sitting on stairs outside at 3am, scattering stories about emotional moments in a land far away with your best friends, what you love most about the room you left behind in that house your daddy built on that old country road, and your real dreams, not those dreams you’ve been sharing with people since college graduation. He loves you, and I love that. You look happy when you’re loved, and although I never see your face anymore, I’m sure it’s still just as pretty.

I couldn’t love you for who you are because you showed me who you truly wanted to be, and I loved her more.

I rooted for her, and I fought for her harder. I gave you that pill to bring her out, and sadly, I sat there and watched you riot. Fearful, you fought her. I was scared to. Did I tell you that? I was never able to tell you I hoped you lost that fight. The woman I met on the stairs that night was happier, and her eyes were bigger when they looked at new things. She ran down her fantasies, gave birth to ideas, and wrote poetry fit for shelves. Her walk was swift and she slept with her legs twisted around me like some sort of noose. She spoke with intention and finished all her cereal. She was lovely, and damn, she was mine. I loved her and was unsure how to love you anymore. That’s what happened to us.

I say all that in case you ever sit and listen to him tell you how much he never wants to change you because he loves you “just the way you are” and you wonder what I’m doing and why we didn’t work.

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